Ukraine Conflict Headline Summary — April 3, 2022
- Russia Repositions Forces. “We’d like to get our asses kicked…in another part of Ukraine.”
- Dan Bilzerian Joins Kadyorovtsy as Social Media Producer. Other possible titles: “Russia Sends Ded Mogroz to Mariupol,” “Kadyrovtsy Hop in Lambo to Leave Bucha, Search for Nazis, Bitches.” Seriously, it makes their presence even more grotesque to see them shooting videos for social media, hunting “Nazis” who somehow never appear in the videos. They’re shooting at nothing. What’s next — an “Am I the Asshole” thread on Reddit? “Volodya P. writes: I invaded a neighboring sovereign country after its government treated my fried Viktor very, very shabbily. They refused to say they wouldn’t join a military alliance I didn’t like, and they only gave me back my peninsula when I got so fed up that I just took it, even though I had promised never to exercise military force against them after they gave up their nuclear weapons, arguably the one thing that could have protected them from me. So, tell me, Reddit: who’s the asshole in this situation?”
- Roman Abramovich Up for Nobel Peace Prize, $50 Zoom Referral Bonus. “You know, you guys should consider the enterprise edition,” recommended the committed peacemaker, IT support tech, “With what happened in Bucha, the Ukrainians would be stupid to trust you, so you may have really high usage when talks drag on and on.” At least now we know what role he plays in these pointless talks between a democratically elected government and a despotic usurper who has never respected any agreement he’s ever signed.
- Russia Declares Kiev Region Clear of Nazis, Civilians, Consumer Goods, Vodka.
- Russia Optimistic About Peace Talks: “We look forward to having another accord to ignore. The Istanbul and Budapest agreements were fun for a while, but now I feel like everyone has just forgotten that this war is, like, triply illegal, you know what I mean?”
- Russia Replies to Accusations of Genocide. “Nazisayswhat?” says Kremlin spokesman five times fast to stone-faced Ukrainian president before criticizing the international community: “Where was this outrage in Syria? We did even worse shit there, you know.”
- Putin Fulfills the Promise of Early Career. “Ever since I had to stay in that awful flat in Dresden,” said Volodya, “I’ve hated apartment buildings. I don’t even care who’s in ’em. I just want to flatten the damn things. I could hear my neighbors at all hours, the hot water was totally unreliable. I’d rather live in a burned out dacha than set foot in another apartment building.”
It’s a sad state of affairs. Russia has sent so many of its young men to their deaths by failing to devise an effective strategy for an invasion, paying a disrespect to both Ukraine and Russia. I can only imagine how many more Russian soldiers have incinerated inside armored vehicles while turning tail and running north. Meanwhile, why should Ukraine trust anything the murderous Russian regime says? Russian leadership won’t stop until one or the other party is dead. Whatever legitimacy Russia had was lost as soon as the pictures of civilian massacres started to come out. The looting was bad enough on its own, but as part of the gratuitous murder of civilians on their way out of town, it tells an even more offensive tale of how little principle and soul the Russian military has left.
Every time you think it all can’t worse, it somehow does.
